Happy Valentine’s Day to the one that ripped me to shreds

It’s been more than 5 years when we had our first valentine’s day. Seems like yesterday when all those roses, proposes, chocolates, teddies, promises, hugs and love was given to you along with those letters where you couldn’t stop blushing the entire day. I still remember me looking into your eyes like you’re the only thing that matters. I don’t remember anything else about that day but your smile. It was exactly like that every year since and then it wasn’t. I never thought that those roses that we shared would ever fade away, those promises that we made were going to be ephemeral, those letters would one day be burnt along with the bridges we built which decimated every ounce of connection that we had. 

From where I come, love is forever. I know that sounds too “filmy” (for the lack of a better word) but that’s all I know about love. It’s been about two and a half years now but your essence is still fresh. You’re still that girl who stole my heart and like I promised, I still  fall for you every single day over and over again because I didn’t promise that I’d love you only as long as it suited me, there were  no conditions. Maybe I’ve failed to uphold couple of promises but I definitely remember all of them. About forever, maybe those three years were our forever and not the kind of forever that I thought. Maybe you’re already having another forever with someone else and I hope that it actually lasts forever but I’ll forever be keeping at least  this promise. 

So I wish you a very happy valentine’s day, hope you get to spend it with the one you love and who loves you. 🙂 

Love always! 

~SuNny!!! 

Light

There’s a light in everyone’s life and I’m not referring to the sunlight but the ray of hope that gives someone a will to live, a will to get back up when they’re down. 

Everything’s positive about this light but have you ever cried because of it? Have you ever spent the entire night sobbing and drying your tears because of this hope? For those who haven’t, I hope your never have to but for those who did, I know what you’re going through. 

When you look back at the time when you had that one motivation or a person who was your inspiration in life giving you the light that we’ve been talking about and you realize that it’s not there anymore. I understand this is the worst possible way to get shattered everyday. 

Bahut Yaad Aati Ho Tum! 

Jab jab baarish hua karti hai, 

Mera mann bheegene ko karta hai, 

Mujhe kheench ke bheegne ke liye, majboori karne ko, 

Tumhare haath ko dil tarasta hai,

Bahut yaad aati ho tum… 

Halki si takleef me, mujhe baahon me bhar lena, 

Aur zara si nok jhonk pe mera haath jhatak dena. 

Tum rooth jao to rooth jati thi ye duniya, 

Mere manane pe mohobbat aur kar lena.

Bahut yaad aati ho tum… 


2 saal hone ko aaye hain jab se tum rooth gaye, 

Mere sapne, armaan aur me, saare toot gaye. 

Naajane kya hua us ek pal me jisme, 

Meri khushi ke saare bandhan choot gaye. 

Bahut yaad aati ho tum…. 


Mere andar ki to nahi magar baarish gayi tham, 

Naajane ye waqt bura hai, haalat hain ya tumhari mohobbat ho gayi hai kam. 

Pehle tumhe bhi takleef hoti thi, aaj me akela hoon, 

Is takleef me dekh kar bhi kyun nahi aati ho tum. 

Bahut yaad aati ho tum…. 

Story of Every Office 

Everyone keep asking me how do you see all the different things about people that others can’t see and the only answer I always have is, “I just do, I don’t know how”. I keep on asking the same question to myself and I console myself one way or the other. The only thing that I can’t wrap my head around is how can people not see those things that are obvious. How can people miss the fact that the man who sits at the corner of the bay has started growing white sideblocks and is tensed about the health of his son. How can you not see the helplessness the other guy hides behind his negative and “ready to bite” attitude because that’s the only way he know to hide his physical disability due to which he has been treated differently from as long as he can remember. How can you not see that the most cheerful girl in the office who always has a smile on her face and keep on making people laugh is insecure about her future. How can you not see her teary eyes when she comes back from a break? That manager who started using office transport instead of his car, how can you not see him struggling with the rising cost of living. How can you not see that the manager who is always beaten up by his superiors is also not satisfied with his family. How can you not see that girl everyone has a crush on,  is still trying to overcome the fact that she broke up with her boyfriend who thinks she isn’t pretty. How can you not see these obvious things that people are screaming out at the top of their voice just for someone to listen. 

Everyone is hiding their pain in plain sight, just try to listen to what they want to say and you’ll suddenly be able to see everything that I can see right through them. 

Dream

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I had a weird dream last night. We both were old. Old enough that this was the last time we could’ve talked before you went off into the sunset with whomever you would choose till you both shall live. I was still trying to make you understand what went wrong between us and you were still mad at me for the things that I did and I didn’t do few years ago. Things that shouldn’t even matter when it comes to you and me but you are still mad. You were bragging about the boyfriend that you have and how he keeps you happy, how he doesn’t hurt you like I did, how he cares for you and how good understanding that you two have.
I could still not stop you in between when you speak because no matter what you are saying, your voice is still the best sound that I’ve ever heard. There is one question that kept running in the back of my mind while I kept wiping off those water droplets off my cheeks because it was raining. It was raining heavily, both inside and outsides. “Does he make you laugh”? I said it interrupting you and there was a silence for few seconds. That silent wasn’t awkward. That silence was you realizing what you actually want, what you have and what you can have. “Sweetheart”, I added. “You have no idea how beautiful it is to imagine you smile without having to live with my flaws. Trust me, I would be the happiest person on this planet if he could make you laugh”. The silence deepened. “Not because your laugh is as pure as a baby’s laugh, not because you are the most beautiful when you laugh but because I remember how important that is for you. I remember we talked about how important it is for your significant other to make you laugh even if they hurt you at times. I can remember quite a few times when I made you laugh.” She called out my name in a very soft voice, the way she used to say when she wanted to complain about not giving her time.
I swear to god, I could feel my heart racing like tornado ready to consume all the blood in my body. I don’t know how and from where I said these words, “Maybe you two are what everyone wants to be but we two are what everyone wants to become”.

Alarm clock rang and it took me a while to gather my senses. When I did, I realized, two dreams have been broken in one night.

Pen & Paper

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So here I am, sitting alone at 3 in the morning with the coffee mug in one hand that still has your lipstick mark on it and your picture in the other. It’s been a daily routine now. It has been two weeks that I have been struggling to write something but I am unable to. There is a havoc in my mind which is not letting me weave these words together.
Whatever I have written over past few years had you in it. Be it about something completely unrelated, you’ve always been a part of my writings. It’s like, every time I pick up a pen, the first thing it waNts to do is writE tHose four beAutiful letters together that weave up to become the mesmerizing sound that you are known by. When the pen touches the paper for the very first time, it doesn’t write anything. It happens every single time. At times I wonder what’s wrong with my choice of pen. It took me a while to realize this. The first time my pen touches the paper, the paper absorbs all its ink to hide away the pain it causes to write your name knowing that it’s not associated with mine anymore. It’s just like my reflexes put all their tension to my lips instead of my eyes to make sure everyone sees me smiling whenever I hear your name.
It may be your fault, it may be mine but I will choose not to blame you because blaming yoi is the easier thing to do. I have always been advised by the two most important women in my life (my mom & you) that “When you have to make a choice, there’s always one that’s easy and one that’s right”.
Maybe I did wrong to you, but I don’t want to do any more wrongs. I want to start making up for everything that I might have done wrong knowingly or unknowingly by not choosing the easier thing to do.
Here I am, destroying myself because I don’t want to do any more wrongs. Sometimes I wonder, if anyone else is getting affected by the choices I am making right now. I know you are not.
Maybe these pen & paper are the ones getting affected. They are the ones who absorb everything that I write. They know how I feel, they know I still love you, they know everything. Only if they had a voice, they would come and recite to you everything that I have ever written. Over and over again. No, I don’t want you to feel the pain that I am going through because I know you have had your fair share of grief and misery. Or maybe I want you to feel a little pain. Maybe that will make you realize that you still love me too. Yes, those half-baked emails, those rude texts that you allowed your friend to send to me from your phone, those late night calls when you were high, are screaming at the top of their voice that you still love me too but you are just not ready to listen to it yet.
I am waiting for the time when you will realize that you love me too. Maybe then these pen & paper will again be my friends instead of being the partners of my solitude. Maybe then the ink of the pen will be reflected by the paper instead of being absorbed. Maybe then I will complete the book that I started writing about “us” for which I never would accept a sad ending. Maybe then we will have everything we talked about every night in those 3 years. Maybe my maybe won’t be just a maybe…. Maybe…

It’s not Fine!

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I’ve been staring at this piece of paper from a very long time,
Trying to find words to put together this rhyme,
For as long as I can remember you’ve been my inspiration,
You were my god, you were my temple, you were my prayers, you were my shrine…

Thinking about you makes a beautiful shiver run down my spine,
Though we’re not together but your voice still tells me “it’s fine”,
We parted ways, I don’t know why,
Maybe not saying goodbye was our only crime…

Not being with you has made me sick in the intestine,
Because you were my only connection to the Divine,
Your face is still the first thing I see in the morning,
Your smile has always been my sunshine…

I still love you and maybe I’m out of line,
My heaven is still being with you on cloud nine,
I know you say it every time but let me tell you my darling,
It maybe everything but it’s NOT FINE!!!

Love & Passion

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What I have realized in this short timespan since I have been put on this earth is, everything is derived from passion and you have got to love it. Whatever there is, it needs to have passion to achieve it.

Let’s take romance for example. If there is no passion between the two individuals, they cannot be together. That is the reason why the relationships feels so good while you are courting. The level of passion while courting is maximum and it diminishes as time goes by. That is the main reason for things not working out between two people. Even when you are ending a relationship, you have passion for that as well or else you won’t be able to do it.

Ending a relationship is either well thought and processed decision or a decision taken in haste. You will always regret the latter. When your decision is well thought the passion to end it is derived from the positives and negatives that you must have thought about. When such decisions are taken in haste, your passion is derived from what you are feeling at that particular moment. If you let that moment pass, you will not be able to do it.

Same goes with suicides. If a suicide is well thought, you will be able to find a justification for why that person took his own life. Maybe you won’t be able to justify it to his loved ones but deep down you will know that this was a well thought decision. If someone takes this decision in haste, all you will find is chaos. You will never be able to justify why that person took his own life.

These are very common examples of what we see around us every day. Using these two examples, I would like to ask you to do one thing, if there is any decision that you are about to take which may hurt one or more people, please sit back and think about it. Let that moment pass and introspect if you really want to do it. If there is any possible way that you can make it work. If there is any possible way that you can hold on to it for the reasons you’ve been holding on to it for so long. Sleep over it, take some advice from the people you think are important to you. If you have hesitations, make it sound like it is someone else you are taking advice from.

What I do is whenever I have to take advice from my father and I am not comfortable discussing that particular topic with him I say, “Hey Dad, there’s this friend of mine that you don’t know about and he’s stuck in a very unusual situation. I would very much like to help him” and then let out whatever’s bothering you. Trust me this approach really helps.

If there’s a girl that you have been wanting to talk to, do not thing about it and go for it. Take this decision in haste because it’s not going to hurt anybody. What would be the worst case scenario, she’ll probably say no, that’s it.

Now, if you’re going to kill someone, you should probably think about it A LOT!!! Go home, take sleep, and think about what are the things that can go wrong. Do not only think that you might get caught and go to jail. You should also think what would happen to the people who are related to your would be victim. He must have a family, what would happen to them.

Okay, that being said, Do Not Kill ANYONE, I repeat, DO NOT KILL ANYONE.

I hope this article will help you to prevent any sort of impulsive damage that you are about to do or maybe you would have done in the future. You can thank me later.

Holi Away From Home!

Tonight when I was going back from work, something struck me and it struck me hard. In just 4 days it’s the festival of colours, Holi. I remember when I was younger, I used to prepare for Holi 2 weeks before the festival date. We used to be prepared with water balloons (“gubbare”) and water guns (“Pichkari”) to make sure that anyone who passes by does not get home without getting wet. Then there was this phrase “Bura Na maano Holi hai” which means, no offence its Holi. We kids used this phrase as a shield and used to consider this as our duty to make sure no one gets home dry. Oh! Good old days! One more custom that we were accustomed to was “making gujiyas” (gujiya is a special sweet that is prepared specially around holi”). We used to sit with our mom and help her in preparing this sweet. Even remembering it gives me the taste of gujiya, specially the ones made by my mom.
This time, I won’t be at home, this time, I will be alone here in this fast paced city where no one cares about anyone because I couldn’t get leaves from my work. I wonder who’ll help my mother in preparing gujiyas, who’ll wake up at 4 am to make sure we have ample amount of gubbare to throw at people, who’ll prepare the strongest color as the person who uses the strongest colour will be remembered… Now we’ve grown up, we’ve started earning and we are supposed to kill the kid inside us and behave like an adult. Well! I don’t want to, I want to steal gujiyas from the plate at the time they are being made, I want to irritate my mother because there’s water everywhere in the entire home.
I wish I didn’t have to hold these cravings… I want to give in…

You’re Beautiful

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“Mesmerizing” were the words that came right out of my mouth when I looked into her eyes for the very first time, it was the time when she offered me a piece of cake of her friend’s birthday while I was sitting in my class. I kept it to myself, didn’t say anything about it to anyone. After which we went on with our lives without knowing about what’s happening with each other’s or interfering with each other’s life. There came a point in time when we started talking, having lunches together, having fun together. Those short yet long meetings in the cream bell ice cream parlor, laughing our hearts out.
This was the least beautiful part that we had together. After which came the point in time when you became my life, you and I became the best couple that can exist on this planet. Those long nights when I used to wait for you to wake up just to have a small conversation over the phone. Those 39 missed calls that you used to wake up to. Those 20 pages text messages that made your mornings beautiful. Those poems that you inspired me to write. Those songs that I wrote for you. Those birthday surprises and let’s not forget the love letters. Small things that made our valentine’s week more special. Yes, indeed the most beautiful part of my life.
That time when the comfort level between us grew and we unknowingly started using ‘we’ in every sentence. It was no longer ‘You & I’, it was ‘us’. Those silly things like writing our names on back of our notebooks, creating symbols to engrave our initials together, keeping the movie tickets as a memento. Your undying love for chocolates and those 50 KMs drive just to see your face. You driving me crazy with some argument and me making you furious. This was even more beautiful than ever.
All this helped me understand that love was never about romance or having fun together. It is about feeling comfortable with each other to the level where your mom convinces you to do things for your significant other. Your dad asking you about how she is. Your brother and sister in law teasing you with her name. This is all the part of that feeling where you realize that all this is because she is there in every conversation that you have about your future. She’s not just a friend, special friend or your girlfriend anymore. She is the one with whom you see your future. She is the one that you would one day want to meet your parents and you are more confident than ever about she winning their hearts. I won’t say it was beautiful but it was supercalifragilisticexpialidocious!
Yes, it was the most perfect thing one can ever have. No, that wasn’t the first time I was with someone. Yes, it was the first time I fell in love. Yes, you are still the most amazing woman on this planet. Yes, you still drive me crazy, just like it was for the very first time. Yes, you still steal my heart with a single picture of yours. Yes, I would love to spend my every second with you till eternity. Yes, I would give anything for all this to come true but no, we are not together anymore. No, you don’t use ‘us’ anymore or maybe you do for someone else now. No, it shouldn’t have been like this. No, I don’t hate you even a bit. Yes, I miss you with every bone in my body. Yes, it hurts like hell. Yes, it destroyed me beyond repair. Yes, it was worth every single bit that we spent together. Yes, I still hope for it. Yes, I would love you till the day I die. Yes, you will still be the most beautiful woman in this universe or any other universe there might be. No, it’s not easy at all. Yes, it’s one of the worst feelings that I have ever experienced and yes, it is still beautiful. Maybe not as beautiful as it was before but anything that has you in it, is beautiful by default. This pain that I have to go through every day is killing me inside but it’s beautiful. The thought of not seeing you again is unbearable but it is still beautiful. It is beautiful because it has you in it, my life is not because it doesn’t have you in it anymore.
Ever since I met you my princess, everything about everything has been beautiful. That is not because of what we had but because “YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL”….