Kahin Bahut Der Na Ho Jaye

Ek aansu hai jo bahut dino se aankhon me laras raha hai magar gira nahi,
Ek cheekh hai jo andar hi andar tumhe behra kar rahi hai magar bahar aayi nahi,
Me vo hoon, jo har kahani ko kisi aur ki zubani sunane ki koshish karta hai, taaki khud ka gham bata bhi doon aur chupa bhi loon,
Aur ek tum ho, jiske baare me sirf soch lene se aansu hasi me badal jaate hain aur cheekhein lori me.
Me bahut der se tumhe awaaz de kar bula raha hu par lagta hai abhi tak tum aayi nahi…

Kyunki ye aansu ki boond bhi bas girne hi wali hai,
Aur mere dil ki mohobbat bhi bas marne hi wali hai,
Me chahta hoon, nahi, me tadap raha hoon ke koi to tumhe aawaaz de kar bula de,
Ki aankh band hone se pehle ek aakhri baar dekhna chahta hoon tumhe,
Aa kar dekho tumhare rooth jaane se zindagi kitni khaali hai,
Kyunki ye aansu ki boond bhi bas girne hi wali hai….

Ek baar agar ye aansu gir gaya to fir bawaal na ho jaye,
Ki tum aawaaz dete rehna aur fir koi sun na paaye,
Han Jaanta hoon me pagal hoon magar tum hi to kehti ho na ‘Sirf Tumhare Liye’.
Kahin mohobbat saabit karte karte mohobbat na kho jaye,
Kahin mere sir pe ek aur ilzaam na ho jaye,
Ek baar agar ye aansu gir gaya to fir bawaal na ho jaye….

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To the one who thinks marrying me is a good idea

I’m writing this letter to the one who thinks marrying me is going to be a good idea.. Well, there are few things that I should warn you about in advance..
One thing that you probably don’t know about me is that I’m a big narcissistic asshole but I come from the best breed of assholes out there… I actually believe that I can give you a fairytale in this world full of hipocrisy and half hearted relationships… This makes me a hypocrite myself but trust me I believe it with every being in my body..
I’m going to piss you off like anything on things that shouldn’t even matter… I’m going to make you want to kill yourself or kill me… I’m going to love you like crazy but I’d still not be able to make you believe it… I’ll push you away because I’ll feel you’re too good for me… I’ll push you away because of the fear that you’ll leave me one day anyway.. I’ll push you away because I’ll never like a girl who doesn’t have options and irrespective of the fact that you chose me, I’ll push you away because you have options… At times I’ll be the hardest person to reach to because I’m too scared to open up but if I do, you’ll see a cotton like heart wrapped around broken pieces of glass…
When I’ll be happy, I’ll say all the right things in all the right ways with the best timing possible but sometimes I’ll be just the opposite of what I say and what I do… You’ll hate me for praising your friend too much and then not taking interest in them… You’ll love me for being Chivalrous but hate me for trying too hard.. You’ll see me pretending that I know everything in the world and then failing at the most pathetic things that my grandmother could do in her sleep.. You’ll hate me more than you’ll love me but you’ll hate yourself more because that love will always overcome the hatred.. The gloating will never end because I don’t think any other guy can be better than me and yet I’ll never believe in myself…
If you still want to marry me then only God can help you or you should take a walk inside my brain and then your decision will definitely change…
This post was inspired by

querencia_k.s@instagram.com

Loss!

I’ve lost a lot of things,

I haven’t reached my half life yet,

I’ve still lost some friends,

Friends, who were more than a family,

And people more than friends,

People not everyone knows about….

I’ve lost a lot of things,

I am just in my mid twenties,

I now understand life a little better than yesterday,

Parting ways is now a part of life,

People don’t stay the same or

Their priorities change,

Even when you imagine

someone to be your wife…

I’ve lost a lot of things,

I’ve lost a little me in you,

A little me in someone new,

A little me who’s now a little cold,

A rusty me in those friends as old,

Friends I don’t meet anymore….

I’ve lost a lot of things,

I’ve lost you, yes you,

You’re the one reading it, aren’t you?

I’ve lost a little me in all of you,

I still remember some of you,

I spends hours, some minutes

and seconds a few,

In remembering those, in whom I’m lost…

I’ve lost a lot of things,

In this post, I am you and you are I,

There’s always more than meets the eye,

Is it just me or you and I?

It’s a long night and we have to survive,

There are a lot of things I could not say,

Because it’s nothing but just an emotional drive,

Drive that does not take me where I wanna go….

A lot of things, a lot of things….

Happy Valentine’s Day to the one that ripped me to shreds

It’s been more than 5 years when we had our first valentine’s day. Seems like yesterday when all those roses, proposes, chocolates, teddies, promises, hugs and love was given to you along with those letters where you couldn’t stop blushing the entire day. I still remember me looking into your eyes like you’re the only thing that matters. I don’t remember anything else about that day but your smile. It was exactly like that every year since and then it wasn’t. I never thought that those roses that we shared would ever fade away, those promises that we made were going to be ephemeral, those letters would one day be burnt along with the bridges we built which decimated every ounce of connection that we had. 

From where I come, love is forever. I know that sounds too “filmy” (for the lack of a better word) but that’s all I know about love. It’s been about two and a half years now but your essence is still fresh. You’re still that girl who stole my heart and like I promised, I still  fall for you every single day over and over again because I didn’t promise that I’d love you only as long as it suited me, there were  no conditions. Maybe I’ve failed to uphold couple of promises but I definitely remember all of them. About forever, maybe those three years were our forever and not the kind of forever that I thought. Maybe you’re already having another forever with someone else and I hope that it actually lasts forever but I’ll forever be keeping at least  this promise. 

So I wish you a very happy valentine’s day, hope you get to spend it with the one you love and who loves you. 🙂 

Love always! 

~SuNny!!! 

Light

There’s a light in everyone’s life and I’m not referring to the sunlight but the ray of hope that gives someone a will to live, a will to get back up when they’re down. 

Everything’s positive about this light but have you ever cried because of it? Have you ever spent the entire night sobbing and drying your tears because of this hope? For those who haven’t, I hope your never have to but for those who did, I know what you’re going through. 

When you look back at the time when you had that one motivation or a person who was your inspiration in life giving you the light that we’ve been talking about and you realize that it’s not there anymore. I understand this is the worst possible way to get shattered everyday. 

Bahut Yaad Aati Ho Tum! 

Jab jab baarish hua karti hai, 

Mera mann bheegene ko karta hai, 

Mujhe kheench ke bheegne ke liye, majboori karne ko, 

Tumhare haath ko dil tarasta hai,

Bahut yaad aati ho tum… 

Halki si takleef me, mujhe baahon me bhar lena, 

Aur zara si nok jhonk pe mera haath jhatak dena. 

Tum rooth jao to rooth jati thi ye duniya, 

Mere manane pe mohobbat aur kar lena.

Bahut yaad aati ho tum… 


2 saal hone ko aaye hain jab se tum rooth gaye, 

Mere sapne, armaan aur me, saare toot gaye. 

Naajane kya hua us ek pal me jisme, 

Meri khushi ke saare bandhan choot gaye. 

Bahut yaad aati ho tum…. 


Mere andar ki to nahi magar baarish gayi tham, 

Naajane ye waqt bura hai, haalat hain ya tumhari mohobbat ho gayi hai kam. 

Pehle tumhe bhi takleef hoti thi, aaj me akela hoon, 

Is takleef me dekh kar bhi kyun nahi aati ho tum. 

Bahut yaad aati ho tum…. 

Story of Every Office 

Everyone keep asking me how do you see all the different things about people that others can’t see and the only answer I always have is, “I just do, I don’t know how”. I keep on asking the same question to myself and I console myself one way or the other. The only thing that I can’t wrap my head around is how can people not see those things that are obvious. How can people miss the fact that the man who sits at the corner of the bay has started growing white sideblocks and is tensed about the health of his son. How can you not see the helplessness the other guy hides behind his negative and “ready to bite” attitude because that’s the only way he know to hide his physical disability due to which he has been treated differently from as long as he can remember. How can you not see that the most cheerful girl in the office who always has a smile on her face and keep on making people laugh is insecure about her future. How can you not see her teary eyes when she comes back from a break? That manager who started using office transport instead of his car, how can you not see him struggling with the rising cost of living. How can you not see that the manager who is always beaten up by his superiors is also not satisfied with his family. How can you not see that girl everyone has a crush on,  is still trying to overcome the fact that she broke up with her boyfriend who thinks she isn’t pretty. How can you not see these obvious things that people are screaming out at the top of their voice just for someone to listen. 

Everyone is hiding their pain in plain sight, just try to listen to what they want to say and you’ll suddenly be able to see everything that I can see right through them. 

Dream

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I had a weird dream last night. We both were old. Old enough that this was the last time we could’ve talked before you went off into the sunset with whomever you would choose till you both shall live. I was still trying to make you understand what went wrong between us and you were still mad at me for the things that I did and I didn’t do few years ago. Things that shouldn’t even matter when it comes to you and me but you are still mad. You were bragging about the boyfriend that you have and how he keeps you happy, how he doesn’t hurt you like I did, how he cares for you and how good understanding that you two have.
I could still not stop you in between when you speak because no matter what you are saying, your voice is still the best sound that I’ve ever heard. There is one question that kept running in the back of my mind while I kept wiping off those water droplets off my cheeks because it was raining. It was raining heavily, both inside and outsides. “Does he make you laugh”? I said it interrupting you and there was a silence for few seconds. That silent wasn’t awkward. That silence was you realizing what you actually want, what you have and what you can have. “Sweetheart”, I added. “You have no idea how beautiful it is to imagine you smile without having to live with my flaws. Trust me, I would be the happiest person on this planet if he could make you laugh”. The silence deepened. “Not because your laugh is as pure as a baby’s laugh, not because you are the most beautiful when you laugh but because I remember how important that is for you. I remember we talked about how important it is for your significant other to make you laugh even if they hurt you at times. I can remember quite a few times when I made you laugh.” She called out my name in a very soft voice, the way she used to say when she wanted to complain about not giving her time.
I swear to god, I could feel my heart racing like tornado ready to consume all the blood in my body. I don’t know how and from where I said these words, “Maybe you two are what everyone wants to be but we two are what everyone wants to become”.

Alarm clock rang and it took me a while to gather my senses. When I did, I realized, two dreams have been broken in one night.

Pen & Paper

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So here I am, sitting alone at 3 in the morning with the coffee mug in one hand that still has your lipstick mark on it and your picture in the other. It’s been a daily routine now. It has been two weeks that I have been struggling to write something but I am unable to. There is a havoc in my mind which is not letting me weave these words together.
Whatever I have written over past few years had you in it. Be it about something completely unrelated, you’ve always been a part of my writings. It’s like, every time I pick up a pen, the first thing it waNts to do is writE tHose four beAutiful letters together that weave up to become the mesmerizing sound that you are known by. When the pen touches the paper for the very first time, it doesn’t write anything. It happens every single time. At times I wonder what’s wrong with my choice of pen. It took me a while to realize this. The first time my pen touches the paper, the paper absorbs all its ink to hide away the pain it causes to write your name knowing that it’s not associated with mine anymore. It’s just like my reflexes put all their tension to my lips instead of my eyes to make sure everyone sees me smiling whenever I hear your name.
It may be your fault, it may be mine but I will choose not to blame you because blaming yoi is the easier thing to do. I have always been advised by the two most important women in my life (my mom & you) that “When you have to make a choice, there’s always one that’s easy and one that’s right”.
Maybe I did wrong to you, but I don’t want to do any more wrongs. I want to start making up for everything that I might have done wrong knowingly or unknowingly by not choosing the easier thing to do.
Here I am, destroying myself because I don’t want to do any more wrongs. Sometimes I wonder, if anyone else is getting affected by the choices I am making right now. I know you are not.
Maybe these pen & paper are the ones getting affected. They are the ones who absorb everything that I write. They know how I feel, they know I still love you, they know everything. Only if they had a voice, they would come and recite to you everything that I have ever written. Over and over again. No, I don’t want you to feel the pain that I am going through because I know you have had your fair share of grief and misery. Or maybe I want you to feel a little pain. Maybe that will make you realize that you still love me too. Yes, those half-baked emails, those rude texts that you allowed your friend to send to me from your phone, those late night calls when you were high, are screaming at the top of their voice that you still love me too but you are just not ready to listen to it yet.
I am waiting for the time when you will realize that you love me too. Maybe then these pen & paper will again be my friends instead of being the partners of my solitude. Maybe then the ink of the pen will be reflected by the paper instead of being absorbed. Maybe then I will complete the book that I started writing about “us” for which I never would accept a sad ending. Maybe then we will have everything we talked about every night in those 3 years. Maybe my maybe won’t be just a maybe…. Maybe…

It’s not Fine!

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I’ve been staring at this piece of paper from a very long time,
Trying to find words to put together this rhyme,
For as long as I can remember you’ve been my inspiration,
You were my god, you were my temple, you were my prayers, you were my shrine…

Thinking about you makes a beautiful shiver run down my spine,
Though we’re not together but your voice still tells me “it’s fine”,
We parted ways, I don’t know why,
Maybe not saying goodbye was our only crime…

Not being with you has made me sick in the intestine,
Because you were my only connection to the Divine,
Your face is still the first thing I see in the morning,
Your smile has always been my sunshine…

I still love you and maybe I’m out of line,
My heaven is still being with you on cloud nine,
I know you say it every time but let me tell you my darling,
It maybe everything but it’s NOT FINE!!!